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Loving Relationships

"I was having trouble with my marriage. I came to see Nancy to address this and my physical symptoms with Reiki. Nancy gave insight to my childhood issues and put perspective on my adult needs vs. childhood needs.

Nancy helped me see how my husband was contributing to the marriage and stop focusing on what I thought I wasn't getting. In the next day or so I was able to sit comfortably. My physical symptoms that I came in left, and what was hurting, gone".

~Andrea R. Occupational Therapist

Love is not about how much she makes or how many friends they have to further your career. It's not about gaining a car or house. True love is about loving that person with all that makes them who they are and all their 'perfect imperfections' and strengths - as they are now and through time as they continue to evolve and shift with all of life's unfolding

Romance is sweet, but a relationship is like a fine wine - it takes time to mature before it's deep flavor can be enjoyed, needs a little air to breath, an appreciation of its notes, and to be savored - not taken and gulped down all at once ♥

Love is one of the most powerful force in the Universe. It's the very essence of who we are. When we truly love ourselves we radiate it from within; it can be felt and it can be infectious. to feel, heal, & reveal our true self; love incarnate. 

While we all are on a quest to find the 'perfect' mate, when we allow love to enter our heart, that illusion of what media perfection tells us to desire, that air brush standard dissolves; we're transformed by the one who has touched us to open up to LOVE. 

"True love is a discipline in which each divines the secret self of the other & refuses to believe in the mere daily self." ~ William Butler Yeats

I'm an advocate of healthy relationships where no one rules or controls; being conscious is in choosing the person who will be your equal partner. You are the one who completes you. When you fulfill your own dreams & desires, instead of waiting around for someone else to fill them for you, you are ready for the freedom of what an adult relationship brings. If your dream is to be married, give yourself the time to find out who you are and what you like, what you want, then you are ready to go beyond just you and truly collaborate together. If you are in search of your Twin Flame we can talk about him/her.

“Love is born into every human being; it calls back the halves of our original nature together; it tries to make one out of two and heal the wound of human nature.”

Plato, The Symposium

Love is the key to unlock past hurts, resentments & gives us the strength to forgive. Love requires a willingness to jump - to delve into & swim the big ocean and not stay in our own small pond. Love requires us to stop hiding; to risk being vulnerable, tender, compassionate - to understand & be understood

Together we can create your own personal map to success & happiness

Do you have ED? It has been associated with watching too much P'nography and can cause desensitization of neuropathways which deaden your natural enjoyment towards genuine intimacy. This addiction interferes with developing a deepening gratification & emotional fulfillment. In my practice you & I can address this, too.

Featured Relationship Columnist

'It's All About The Yin and Yang'

articles in

In Search of Sacred Union December 2013

We have been on a search for closeness with each other and a connectedness to something greater than ourselves for Eons. The media has focused on youth and sex and we are seduced into thinking that more is better, and so we keep searching for that grand experience that will catapult us into the Heavens. We have wanted to find the Cosmic expansiveness and leave our bodies behind, so we have embarked on the physical exploration of sex as a way to find that. Some of us have shared our bodies with many people. Some of us have attempted this through Tantra.

When we were in our youth and not conscious about how sacred we are, we explored and experimented with a new lover and were not as discretionary. As we are becoming Aware and evolving into Conscious beings, we now realize that our energy is a precious commodity and not to be shared with just anyone. We are Sacred beings and when we share our bodies, we are sharing our essence with another being and their energy field – and they are sharing theirs with us. Our body is a Temple that houses the Soul and Spirit, the riches of the Universe, and you only want to share that Gold with someone who also honors themselves in this way.

While we have the freedom to unite in sex, we are to unite in a more deeply committed way where we are creating a bridge from Soul to Soul, and not just for the experience so that we can do it again and again with many partners.

Tantra can be a sex drug for those who just want the high. Other forms of group touching can also be a safe way to experience a level of intimacy that doesn’t really get to reveal our Selves on a day to day basis – which our goal is to remove those layers to get to that core place of nakedness towards true, genuine intimacy.

We must honor our Selves as we mature by knowing what is best and right for us. We are to be as kind and respectful toward ourselves as we are with others, and one of those ways is to respect our bodies and our Spirit.

We are to look for Sacred Union with another, where the physical aspect of sex can take on a more deeply moving experience so that we can create that Union with God on a more profound level that will have you much closer to the experience of God, so that through this, God enters into your daily life as you will both radiate that Godly, Spiritual Union.

Love Making (Love in the Making) 26 September 2013

Whether you realize it or not every action you have with someone is the expression of yourself. So what do you want to communicate? When you yell or scream your emotions, imagine being the recipient in that moment. Whether it be your significant other or your children, when you are dumping your feelings you are attempting to make them to be responsible and are trying force them carry the burden of your emotions – you are regurgitating all over the person or people you love.

Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t express yourself. What I am saying is how would you like to be talked to? Wouldn’t you rather have someone own their own feelings rather than spewing them all over?So when you are feeling upset and angry express those words and take a moment or two (or count to 10). If that doesn’t work, tell the person you need to leave the room for a few minutes and compose yourself to better express what you are feeling. Go take a walk and come back (let the person know you are not just disappearing, but want to cool off). If you have to go to work, go to work – but that isn’t the best time to have an argument, heated discussion or important talk, anyway.

Find a peaceful time or set a ‘date’ for a much needed honest, open discussion of what is bothering you. Identify what it is that is upsetting you and ask for a better approach and explore finding a solution to your problem where you both feel validated, heard and accepted. Create a safe place before you dialogue – no name calling, no ‘fighting below the belt’ or bringing in other issues. Talk on one issue at a time, resolve it and move onto the next one if you wish to.

BOTH of you have to be in agreement to the ground rules.In this way, you are creating a positive outcome to what was once a negative. You are now building a more satisfying and fulfilling relationship, which is your goal.Every day when you interact this way you are love making or love in the making with the people you meet, so make it work for you and radiate the love that is at the core of who you are and let your Love Lite shine and spread your Love all over the place.

Time Alone 22 August 2013

We all want to be part of a couple, but the most important part of your journey is time with yourself.

I know it may sound counter intuitive for some, yet if you don’t take time seeking yourself, you’ll be off-center and accommodating others more than balancing it with your needs.

I recommend that you take a day off from technology, and that includes the busyness of chatting either on the phone or on Facebook. Go out into nature for a walk in a park or lake – don’t take your favorite CD music. I don’t recommend taking the dog for a walk, either. This is YOUR time. No schedules or appointments to go to or keep on this day. Really spend this freedom soaking in the energy of Mother Earth and find nourishment in her many ways that are shared freely, without any cost to you.

Think about where you are in life. What is it that you want or are seeking? Let yourself explore your thoughts and ask questions where you are on your own path in life. It is always good to ‘check in’ with your feelings, too – let the loving support of nature be where you find your answers, as they will come to you in gentle reveals and revelations.

The time your give yourself is a gift to you. You deserve to recharge and replenish. When you do this, you can give more freely and easily to others because you have filled your own cup. Of course, you CAN receive from others who share their hearts and support. However, this practice is for you.

You may want to take a journal, but for me, I like to have the thoughts flow easily and not stop the process of free association. I like to allow the ideas to bubble up to the surface without attempting to organize or control them. If they are strong enough, they will stay with you and you won’t forget what’s important.

Time spent with yourself allows you to not rely heavily on others so that you give the gift of freedom to those who you love and surprisingly more love is available. Just as we cannot always be there for others, we can allow others to be there for themselves as well. It also makes you a better partner for that special someone you are searching for, which is so essential for building a healthy relationship. In so doing, this builds a stronger foundation and solidness between you when there are times apart.

Heartbeat Connection 28 July 2013

What is it? There are many levels of attraction. Sometimes it is the differences that attract us in the early stages of dating. We begin to expand our own Universe to encompass many different people and their Universe. We become like travelers and grow as individuals beyond our own corner of the world and in our journey, we learn that love isn’t about the differences, it is in the similarities and the meeting of the heart that bonds us together.

Our explorations may lead us down very unexpected roads where we meet strangers who become friends in our roving for love. We find love is in everyone and in everything. And in all of this, there comes a time for wise, thoughtful discernment. We begin to, from each experience, learn what worked and what didn’t. There comes a time when we start to assimilate what we have learned to make wiser choices if we are to become more than what we were and are yet to be.

Love is a travel. All travelers whether they want or not are changed. No one can travel into love and remain the same.

~ Shams Tabrizi

At every stage we hope to find an emotionally intelligent, spiritually conscious person, so that we don’t have to struggle through the muck and the mire of the trenches from past partnerships to get to the truth of our togetherness. However, most are still working on those issues that have us stuck or have us regress. The love that is sought is not of necessity, nor is it for convenience. It is not about filling the needs left over from our parents since childhood. If we can resolved those and meet our basic needs ourselves, we have evolved into seasoned adults, flavored with the many spices of life, and that is what we can bring to a nourishing partnership.

From this stage, we can begin to utilize the Law of Attraction. Think about what you want in your partner and write those thoughts down. Everyone wants love, so be specific about what you seek in a partner, all the inner qualities we have cultivated and the ones you wish in a partner. Look for it – be ready and open to the infinite ways it will show up.

Sought is the best of love; when your thoughts are on the intention and is in vibration that attracts the kindness, happiness, and the best of what a loving relationship can be with another, along with the same or similar interests, alongside the differences which can enrich you both in the relationship and creates that heartbeat connection.

Seeking Balance and Harmony in All Relationships 23 June 2013

Tao engenders One;

One engenders Two;

Two engenders Three;

Three engenders all things.

All things carry the yin (femininity)

while embrace the yang (masculinity).

Neutralizing energy brings them into harmony.”

~ Tao Te Ching Quotes (42)

We all are looking for balance in our lives. We all have masculine and feminine within us. Tai Chi is a beautiful example of the balance of Yin and Yang. Watch the fluid movement of the masculine and feminine. We can find that balance in understanding what these two energies represent so that we can dance with them, allow them to flow within us and externally in our primary relationships.

Yin is the feminine yielding principle of the Universe and in nature that in Chinese cosmology is exhibited in darkness, night cold, or wetness, quiet, intuitive, contractive and represented by the moon. Yang is the masculine, light, active, day, warm, protective, creative, expansive and assertive which is represented by the sun. Each are rooted in the other and continual in movement and interplay with the whole of life. One cannot exist without the other. Their interaction is to maintain harmony within the Universe.

When we are out of balance we are stuck in one or the other. It is only temporary, as the Universe is never still; there is always movement – no matter how subtle. The unseen forces of the Universe are always influx.

When a challenging situation presents itself, take a moment to be still, breath and become relaxed and become silent.

In taking this opportunity to be essentially non-doing, you can better see the answer by looking at the situation without reacting. You have become the Yin from an outwardly Yang situation. This is especially helpful when you find yourself in an argument or aggressive situation. By allowing the energy to be there without pushing back, it is as though you have neutralized the situation and now can redirect the energy toward a positive direction.

“Countless words

count less

than the silent balance

between yin and yang

~ Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

If you practice this in your daily interactions with your partner and your social relationships, you will assist in the flow and will be practicing the balance of the energy of the Universe – Yin & Yang.

We are Like the Stars in the Sky May 2013

Each one of us has a place in the galaxy and everyone shines their own unique light to guide each other along the way while navigating when in the dark.

There is power in being grown, mature - not position of power - a yielding, a surrendering to the dance of Yin & Yang.

Being self-reliant is intoxicating, while being co-creators and participators is an aphrodisiac; when we no longer are placed in the position of mommy or daddy in our loving relationship(s). As a couple, we can truly become free where intimacy grows as we become closer without the barriers that we place between each other which keeps us from being real with each other.

When we step into the shoes of adulthood, we begin to awaken to see that love goes beyond the outer physical, because who we are is not just what is on the outside, we are inner beings as well. So when the changes of age begins to reveal itself, the person we love is really on the inside. The soul to soul kind of love that has us grow beyond the self and begins to include the other.

When we can then see with different eyes, we realize our partner is our companion, not our competitor, our coach, our cheerleader and our teammate, and that we are all here to assist one another and shine. As we begin to include our partner in our lives in a deeper way, you come to a place where you realize you are two souls who have chosen to live together and the best way to do that is in harmony with yourselves and in this Universe.

SURRENDER 29 April 2013

While we all have a mixture of both the Masculine and Feminine (after all we were created by both our father and mother – egg & sperm) some of us exhibit more of one than the other yet we contain both.

If we meet that one special person where we feel that this is a loving relationship than both can interact while those energies emerge toward balance with your partner.

In many of my dating experiences, I mostly exhibited the more masculine, all the while knowing that I was searching for something. I was looking for an equal partner, but this was just one part of a relationship. While I wanted respect and dignity there was another level, a more deeper and profound one that I had yet truly experienced. There was only one man whom I met and went out with that I experienced for the first time a surrendering to his masculine energy, which allowed my feminine to really be out in the open.

While with him I never felt alone even while he was in the next room. I was happy and content just to BE with him. I realized I didn’t have to be next to him all the time, because I felt him close in my heart. While I felt passion I also felt I didn’t have to always act on it. It was like a low humming that was always present yet never overpowering.

This man was a balance of both the Yin and the Yang and I felt it. His energy was sweet, unburdening and I felt completely safe in his arms while he was driving back to his house. I had never completely surrendered myself to this energy and I wanted to with him. Sitting next to him, I yielded as I let go of any fears that I must have been holding onto and allowed him and his energy to ‘protect’ me in that moment, as I nestled into him as we drove through a grove. It was very liberating.

Even though I ‘got him’ and we resonated together – I was ready for the next level, however, his ego was bigger than both of us, and so it had to end, for I was in love and ready for us to be a couple and he wasn’t; we were at two different levels – it scared him and he knew it.

He still remains in my heart today. Even though we are miles apart; I still feel him. We are each on our own personal journey.

Transparency and Emotionally Naked Relationships 28 March 2013

We have all played the game of hide and seek in our relationships. Holding back and protecting our hearts from the fear of getting hurt. At a certain point we must risk being genuine and open and real; allow the other person into our life to jump in and risk being who you are with another to really experience what intimacy is with another.

It all takes time and trust. With each passing moment, day that lead into weeks and months, you start to reveal those things about you that you don’t let the outside world see – the imperfections that we all have, yet they are your own.

Maybe you snort when you laugh, or wake up with bed head, or snore in the middle of the night. Perhaps you like to go barefoot around the house or drink out of the bottle instead of a glass. You like to sleep late on Sundays and eat in bed. Maybe you save all your tissues and line them up along the couch when you’re sick…..and then throw them out when you get up. Or you clip your toenails in the livingroom instead of the bathroom.

There comes a point in the relationship where you have to out your secret behaviors and become transparent for anything to develop that can withstand the small things so that when the time comes you can deal with the larger issues. You have to be willing to say what is really bothering you, or speak up about what you want and be willing to risk the status quo in order for your partner to really KNOW you. It’s more than just communication, however, if you don’t show up in the relationship how do you ever expect to be fully present in the relationship? And don’t you want to be loved for all of you?

So start today being real in the world with yourself and others. You’ll have more depth and more heart to share and a deeper & satisfying emotional life when you are willing to have a naked relationship with that special someone.

We have all played the game of hide and seek in our relationships. Holding back and protecting our hearts from the fear of getting hurt. At a certain point we must risk being genuine and open and real; allow the other person into our life to jump in and risk being who you are with another to really experience what intimacy is with another.

We're All Connected 05 March 2013

Every time we interact with someone – we are in a relationship. Think about it. When we are having even the briefest conversation we are relating to someone and in relationship with them. How we are in that moment affects the outcome of that interaction. Most of the time, it is a pleasant and fulfilling experience, as the exchange is a complete one.

However, there are those time when the exchanges are missing a component of relatedness. Most of us (not all of us) walk around thinking that ‘those people’ are strangers or they don’t impact my world. Think again.

Whether you know it or not we are all related and not just in the human sense. The TV series ‘Touched’ is the best example of how a string of seemingly unrelated events find a common person that it all ties in together. Even if we cannot see it with our naked eye, every little and big thing we do has impact, and the reverberations can be felt in the unseen world of energy and particle interactions that all come together at the point of ‘contact.’ That is to say the person that you ‘accidently’ ran into was already in design way before you got up this morning and had an energetic pulse that was generated back beyond your thought of going to the store or place where you met, all part of the bigger picture of the ‘Grand Design’.

The Universe is in charge and all we have to do is begin to listen…..listen to our heart(s) and listen to what may be nudges of the Cosmos, edging you on to take part of a magical journey. It’s an inner calling not everyone can hear. So take a moment to get quiet and still and start listening with your heart and soul. Where it will take you will be amazing. Let go and tap into the call of the Universe - your life awaits you; let it in, live it like we’re all related…all the way to the Heavens.

There are many different kinds of love – our first love (puppy love), then love of a rock star/band/group graduating to more meaningful relationship love, moving toward a grown-up love. Then begins the peeling away of the layers to love.

We all vacillate between being single and wanting a relationship, wanting freedom yet craving closeness and intimacy. Understanding that we want consistency yet liking spontaneous moments helps with our complex and seemingly wavering minds between these two ‘opposite’ desires. Together, yet needing time to be with yourself and your thoughts also seems contradictory, but an essential part of being human.

Independence must give way to a shared collaboration with each other’s heart and mind. Passion must engage BOTH people. We all want a roadmap to a successful encounter that will lead us towards more rewarding relationships. Sometimes we find that we are attracted to a partner from our subconscious – the qualities of our father/mother as part of our growth process. Hopefully we work on that to move to the next level where we find an equal partnership for the journey of love.

The first stage is the ‘in love’ process where we are immersed in the wonderful release of a natural chemical reaction to being with someone – being part of a couple is how we are hardwired; both men and women want to nest and create a home with that ‘special’ someone.This phase is a wonderful ‘honeymoon’ period to a relationship. Senses are heightened and we feel alive.

Watch “The Mirror Has Two Faces” for an eye opening insight to the facets of loving. It is a necessary part of the relationship dance if we are to evolve, uncovering the depth at the gift of what love can bring us – which is very rewarding.

The next phase begins the acceptance of the other’s strengths and weaknesses (as well as our own) as the individual we fell in love with starts coming down from the pedestal we have placed them on. Reality sets in and we see the full encompassing truth of our partner.

The lasting phase is beyond compassionate acceptance where your heart is full beyond measure at the wonderful fluidic movement that comes when the dance starts a rhythmic intuitive connectedness that happens when you are in harmony with your mate and your souls are united in this love. That is the Gold at the End of the Rainbow!

Know that we all want to be loved and accepted for who we are. Sometimes it isn’t easy doing that very thing for ourselves. Our self-love requires patience, compassion and an ability to forgive ~ how do you give it to your best friend? Well guess what, your best friend is also you!Love of self emerges from within and acceptance of others comes from an emotional level.

Whether briefly or keeping and sustaining relationships, LOVE is at the core of every interaction with everyone you meet.Giving love may require expanding our awareness to what giving looks like. Knowing when to give space or come close, speak or just listen, is a dance… an art form that requires developing a skill; part of which is about paying attention, looking for subtle cues, then checking in with our partner to get confirming feedback.It is important to realize that we may not be able to accomplish this at ALL times, because we have our own needs that sometimes conflict with our partner.

Being sensitive to yours as well as theirs is just as important. Trusting that our needs will be met, sometimes not immediately or in the way we think, requires communication and exploration on how to meet those needs and is essential to a healthy partnership. Listening is a skill and is the key that opens up the door to the larger part of understanding, which when gently applied and awareness to not force, continues to strengthen the foundation of your home/your heart(s).

Single and Looking? 04 January 2013

You’re single and you want to attract that which you seek, no? So, if you haven’t figured this out already, here are a few guidelines for bringing that person to you.If you are bored, then get out and go do something to change your vibratory field. Don’t stay indoors and vegetate. Raise the vibration in your own life and you will begin to feel better, eat healthy and as your level of energy increases, you will radiate a glow about you. You become more ‘attractive’ by fulfilling your heart’s desire.

Take action. Feel what is important. Do what motivates you or ignites your passion for living. So if you want to make pictures, go buy some paints and paper. Take photos of what moves or touches you. If you want to travel, go. If you need an uplifting environment, then raise the level of beauty in your home and you will take that with you wherever you go.

Embrace and accept all your feelings as much as you can and release that which no longer serves you. As you begin to ‘clean house’ you will begin to attract the person you want into your life because loving yourself from a deep heart-centered place is the most attractive vibration. With this you can begin to spread that joy, increase the vibration of those around you, and your warmth and genuine interactions will influence the world around you impacting on a level that will permeate and spread out beyond your own community.

Surround yourself with supportive friends. If you don’t have any, begin to find them in the places you love to go. One of the best is a gathering place of like-minded people who have a similar vision.

With these new and deliberate changes you will clear a path for your potential partner. The next phase is to ask yourself, “What am I looking for?”The best we can hope for is one where our partner listens, is kind, considerate, fun, adventurous, warm-hearted, emotionally intelligent, empathetic, is a collaborator, fair, open, conversational, mature, insightful, affectionate, giving, receiving, health-minded soulful, spiritual, intuitive, and oneness minded.

You can add your own ideas that are important for you to be within a partner.Now that you’ve made all these changes, let’s look at what qualities you have that you can contribute toward creating a healthy, balanced relationship? Let LOVE in and you will find your best self is ready to attract that which you seek.

The Gift Of Giving 12 December 2012

Whether single or in a relationship, our hearts are full of the spirit of Christmas and giving during this time of year.Here we are in December, this most special time where we allow ourselves to purchase gifts and give to the ones we love.

Whether single or in a relationship, our hearts are full of this spirit of giving during this time of year. This is when we give ourselves permission to purchase that which we know our friends, family or partner has been needing, wanting or just wishing for all year. We’ve been taught that being patient and waiting for what we want is a good thing. But I’m asking you to consider this – What would it look like if you gave as much every month? I’m not saying you are to buy things all the time, I’m asking you to consider showing your love by very simple actions.

Listen – Men and women need and want someone to get them, to give the time to really be present. This does not mean you are to fix the problem, to come in and rescue the situation – BOTH men and women do not want that, they want to be heard. We all have innate intelligence and when there is space allowed between what we communicated and the quiet in between, there is where we access answers. If, however, the person seems stuck, let them ask for help and give them the best present you can give, belief in their ability to find a solution to the problem.

Touch – We are undernourished in this society – and I don’t mean food. We all need to feel as though we exist and we matter. Touching, a simple gesture of a hand on a shoulder, a hand clasp, or a hug communicates so much more than words can. Virginia Satir said it best, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” We don’t stop needing to be touched after we’re adults. I think we need it just as much if not more to continue our psychological health.

Doing for another – We’re all observers in our lives and in the lives of our significant others. We can see if the trash needs taking out, the dishes need to be washed, the bathroom cleaned, and the floor vacuumed. Those are just the basics, but how about when groceries have been purchased and brought home or if someone is tired after a long day – if we have it within us to give, then help. I’m not saying jump in at every opportunity that presents itself, just because it needs to be done – to do what another person can do for themselves is enabling. We all need to feel our own personal strength and self-sufficiency.

What I am saying is you can make dinner, or after the person is finished snow blowing the sidewalk make a nice hot cup of coffee or chocolate and hand it to them. Give because it feels good, creates harmony and a warm bond between those you care for.Just show your Love when you see a moment that presents itself.

Love is a feeling and an action; see if you can combine the two at least once a day and all year ‘round.

It's All About Trust 04 November 2012

Many of us have had many relationships by now; some, maybe only a few. What I have found to be the cornerstone to all of them is not only communication –it is the building of trust.It’ so important for our partner (and ourselves) to be able to be reliant, and that requires trust.

When we say we are going to do something we have not only intention and attempt, but follow-through. Now I realize that life isn’t always smooth, nor does it always go according to plan, so we adapt to the moment and realign ourselves with our promise. We communicate if there is a bump in the road. This does not mean – Oh I went out with the guys/girls and had some beers – as a substitute for fun to blow off responsibility and commitment.

You need to set aside time for your partner as well as your personal time.If we work in an office and, therefore, office relationships, sometimes the job has critical need, like a deadline or emergency meeting, etc. This can interfere with our commitment to our relationship. We need to be able to have the flexibility within the relationship, by letting your partner know that they too are a priority- especially if you’ve arranged time with them.

You need to be consistent enough so that when the occasional ‘emergency’ shows up; your partner knows they matter.There is also the foundation for building emotional trust in our personal lives. We all require emotional safety. A healthy relationship allows us to reveal our deeper selves, the part of our self that we do not show on such a personal level except with friends, family and our partner. Building that trust requires not only our willingness to be comfortable to uncover our hidden layers, but also for our partner to hold our hearts with a sacredness and respect.

It is important to develop trust so that what we say will not come back at us to win a fight (that’s below the belt tactics) and has no place in a healthy relationship. We need to trust that when we start to reveal we are not met with condemnation or rejection. What we want (and need) is to be accepted and loved and understood, which not only deepens the relationship, we make the foundation of trust stronger to build upon.

Loving Me, Loving You 05 October 2012

We learn early on that in order to have love or ‘get’ love we have to do what we’re told or there would be consequences. In our teen years, it’s all about the makeup, hair and fitting in.

The media influences us on how to find love, and society still expects us to fill roles. Now that we’re older we’re still bombarded by what love is suppose to look like. Usually the man is to be successful, in a corporate job, in a suit and a woman if she’s a working woman is generally portrayed in a dress and if she’s management some corporations expect her to dress in pants. The man has short hair and women long hair up until a woman reaches a certain age, then society expects her to cut her hair short.

Love is not about a job title, nor is it about what someone does. That’s just the outer dressing. What counts is what is on the inside and how that person is, not just outwardly, but when no one is looking, without an audience and how he or she is naturally.But the truth of all of this is both men and women want to be loved – a woman wants to be loved not for what she looks like or what she does. A man wants to be loved for what he contributes, but more important he wants to be appreciated and respected for who he is and what he does.

There is a secret layer that rarely gets exposed. Both genders want love for who they are on the inside, the rough edges of our emotional side that we all have, what we sometimes refer to as ‘ugly’ feelings. So if we all have the flip side of what we present to the world, we no longer have to pretend that they don’t exist. We are here to embrace the primal side and make friends with the darker emotions of jealousy, anger, sadness, greed, lust and hate.

We have awareness now, and these primal feelings are here for us to recognize, to teach us about ourselves, learn and grow from them and gain mastery of them. If we realize that these feelings come from a skewed picture of who we are and see them in the light of day, we can grow beyond the projections of our un-owned self, lessen the hold and move toward the maturity we seek in our partner so that we all can attain the grown up love we are looking for.Something to think about…

This journey is a mystery for some, elusive for others, and yet for many they’ve found it. What is their secret? What is the formula that these people have? There is attraction, physical/chemical reaction, but that’s not love. We feel empty and alone so we go seeking for love, but that’s not finding love.

How do we go about opening the door to love? First, we begin the journey to find love within ourselves…it may take a while to come to a place of loving all of our self; the many facets and complex process of getting to know who we are.We are never done with the exploration, however, hopefully we come to a place where we accept ourselves and are ready to share our lives with another person.

Are you ready? To seek companionship with another requires knowing what you want, where your boundaries are and the comfort level with that other person.Dating is our playground, – that is to say, we know those ground rules of going out with enough people to give us an idea of what it is we are wanting, needing, seeking. We go out with different people to find out what or who we like; it’s like a scientific experiment or an expedition of discovery.

We start out with is he tall, cute or athletic? Is she curvy, blonde, and cute? That’s the first stage. As we mature, we learn it’s much more than that. In the beginning we struggle with why isn’t he like this or why doesn’t she like that. We want similar interests…or at least someone who we can share similar likes.Yet that doesn’t necessarily guarantee that this will be a potential partner. We are still learning and growing; and where we are in our own personal journey will play a part in whether each of us can make a commitment.

When we finally get to the next level, we realize that looks for attraction plays a smaller part in the bigger picture of what makes up the ‘right’ partner. He or she must meet at the heart, an emotional connection and important component for both men and women. How do you feel when you are around this person? Do you enjoy each other’s company? Doe he/she get you laughing. Whatever you do together you notice that you want to do more and be with them more.

Now in this spiritual awakening we’ve upped the connection including the spiritual. We must connect on a soul level as well as the heart. Most of us are looking for our ‘mate’ – and I’m not saying Soulmate here. I’m talking about the person who you feel like you’ve ‘come home’ with. This is the highest attainment of partnership that we are embarking on.

Love can happen at any time on any level.To sustain it takes more than communication, more than understanding. There is an intimacy of almost empathic understanding; after all we’re spiritual-human-beings. We have an ego, but we must first learn to not let it run us. Trust comes over time spent with this person where we reveal our ‘selves’ and there is no repercussions. No need for fighting retaliations. We need to show our feelings, explore our emotions. This is your partner, not your enemy. If he or she is acting out – then name it and explore what is going on. Give space when needed and support. Give the love you would like to receive.

This is a dance – a dance of intimacy.

Nancy Jean Walton is a Reiki Master Teacher & holistic practitioner. She’s a spiritually based Relationship|Life|and Holistic Health Coach. Nancy’s been a staff member for Alan Cohen (with Charley Thweatt) @ Pathworks, NY for the ‘Weekend of Pure Love’ as a Yoga Instructor under the retreat name of BHAKTI. She’s been a Guest Speaker for WDVRFM on ‘Holistic Health.’ Her relationship advice can be heard on Blog Talk Radio – Earth Angels Radio with Carol Guy & Diane Buchberger ‘Something for Men,’ survival kit for understanding the male brain’ and ‘Tasteful Beauties women over 40' ~ Nancy’s private practice is in New Hope, PA & NY.  

Read my BLOG on relationships.

Monogamy and Fidelity

Most women want to be in a one to one relationship. We want love and the constancy, stability, security that our vision of monogamy brings. There are men that want that, too.

However, it takes time to develop and know what we want and who we want to spend out lives with. Sometimes it’s just fear that keeps us away from a loving partnership. Our past can get in the way of what we see and not very clearly at times.

That is where infidelity comes into the picture. Women want the man she’s with to keep the spark alive. Men do, too. To prevent a diversion BOTH people have to participate in the relationship and have enough maturity to know to handle the ‘down time’ within any relationship. It’s bound to happen. Even we get bored with just ourselves in our own lives – and sometimes project that onto our partner and make them the ‘fall guy’. We seek adventure and excitement outside of the relationship instead of creating it with the person we have.

Maybe you think it’s too much effort. Perhaps they themselves are in a slump. The question you have to ask then is “What do you think commitment is all about?”

It’s so much easier to not take responsibility for what’s going on in the relationship and blame your partner. But look at it this way – would you want your partner to seek fulfillment with another partner?

Let’s say you know all this yet are attracted to someone who you seem to think has what your partner lacks. And you start an ‘innocent’ flirt. You like the electricity it generates, but come on – it isn’t that innocent! You have just started on a road that can lead to betraying your partners trust and faith in you (would you want him to flirt? Would you want her to flirt?) and the relationship. I’m saying this not to instill any guilt, but more to have you come to terms with your actions to see that the responsibility is yours and stop this before it goes further.

You need to stop and start to reinvent the relationship. Go to your partner with your concerns or wants in changing the relationship to add the spark back into it and start some serious work on your LOVE that brought the two of you together and reignite that attraction!!

Have We Really Grown Up?

After we leave home, life changes. We now have a job, our own apartment, and with that comes the growing up the adult world of relying on ourselves to pay the rent, take out the trash, cook and clean the kitchen, do the laundry and clean the bathroom. If we’re lucky enough to have own home while single then we also have to mow the lawn and all that comes with owning a home.

So why is it when two people get married, they have to divvy out the chores? Why when both know when trash day is or when we’re out of clean clothes does anyone needs reminding? Or if its been weeks since the lawn was mowed, why do we find that someone have to be reminded?

Who’s responsible for who’s keys? In your relationship you don’t want to be parental, or authoritative do you really? With the woman that you love? Mature women don't want to be your mother, and self-actualized men don't want to be your father. Why would any of us want THAT? There's so much more aliveness and energy that can be contributed to the relationship when we come from a place of stepping up as an adult - then the bonus is being able to mutually come together for intimacy and real love making that isn't necessarily in the bedroom.

Perhaps we really haven’t grown up yet or see our partner as an equal. We target our partner in an unconscious way to fill that place where we haven’t worked out our issues and have psychologically placed our partner in that role. We don’t realize that’s what we’re doing, yet that is what we’ve done. It sets an imbalance and creates distance instead of the intimacy we are seeking.There is power in being an adult, not position of power – a yielding.

Being reliant is an intoxicating aphrodisiac; when we no longer are placed in the position of mommy or daddy in our loving relationship as a couple we can truly become free and intimacy grows as we become closer as couple without the barriers we place between each other that keeps us from being truly vulnerable and real with each other…

The Kiss of Love

As kids we experiment with kissing. Girls practice kissing the back of their hands – boys do this too. Our first kiss when we’re young our lips touching doesn’t amount to much. As young tweens we becomes more involved with the beginning of budding emotions and it’s fun.

As teenagers we want to have kissing be a part of the dance and the exploration of love. As adults we compare and evaluate a person by the way they kiss.

Wet lips have the skill of reel fishing (that skill needs to redirected) There is a lack of connection. If you just want hot and heavy, all elements of kissing are there, but there is no loving intimacy.

The best way to evaluate if this person can care for you is they take time to linger, leisurely kiss the mouth with tenderness and gentle pressure. French kiss is to explore as a way to share in not only in the moment, but also to show sensitivity.

Kissing is an art form and most people gauge a potential partnership through kissing.

If you can find a person who takes the time to play, to kiss with feeling and emotion, who is willing to enjoy the moment, there is a real possibility and capacity for love to blossom.

Disagreements happen from time to time. Arguments occur when you or your partner feel misunderstood, not listened to or when neither of you validate. You can create a healthy relationship by DISCUSSING your feelings without the drama and deepen your love. Here are some of the ways:

Ground Rules: Do not bring up the past or other situations into the discussion that you are presently engaged in. Avoid any ‘below the belt’ fighting. This ranges from insults thrown towards family members, subtle put-downs, or direct verbal assaults toward the one you LOVE. This is your life partner, this should not about who wins where you leave behind the damage. It stays with you and between you and your partner.

Your conversations need not be a battlefield for you to be the victor towards a ‘bloody’ encounter.

Bring the other issues up at another time, and keep them separate from the current one that is on the table. This requires honesty and integrity, caring and respect – not unproductive criticism. So don’t attack, or guilt them, nor yell.

Listen by not interrupting, giving each other the room to express genuine feelings, to get to the core of problem; to resolve the issue. Give them your undivided attention (active listening) that includes eye contact, too. Most importantly, do not leave abruptly to ‘win’ the argument or run away from the situation. If it becomes too intense, just say you need to take a minute, but stay with the moment – unless, of course, it results in toxic behavior. So set clear boundaries, give each other a time frame so that you can respond to what is being presented. If it becomes too intense, overwhelming, say so and take a a few minutes to regroup your thoughts and feelings and come back together.

This is your partner, not your adversary, so don’t do things that undermine them or the relationship, because ultimately you support each other.

What is All this Fighting for?

Fairly divide the ‘chores’ of the housework between EACH of you so that you are participating in the care of a shared living environment. If there is a power struggle, you will soon notice certain behaviors.

Actions and behaviors affect every relationship, some are cute and entertaining, add to the enjoyment of your lives together, but when it starts to undermine the wealth you are attempting to invest in your relationship, then it needs to be addressed.

Is it really about the lid off the toothpaste? Is it about forgetting the dry cleaning? No, it isn’t, not really. What does it represent to you? What feelings are brought up for you? What is underneath their/your behavior? What are you suppressing? It’s not just about the trash being put out either.

You could be overworked, tired, distracted, or it’s years of a habitual pattern. If this is a huge issue for the both of you, then take a look at what is going on. Do you feel unappreciated, taken advantage of, unloved in some fashion? Why & how are you affected? These are signs and an opportunity for deepening the relationship by having your partner aware of what is going on with you by beginning a dialogue; opening up the lines of communication and sharing your most intimate self – your feelings – to eliminate resentment and build a closer more fulfilling relationship.

It may not get him or her to put the cap back on, or resolve trash night completely, give it time, give him/her room to look at this action, habit, behavior and continue to work at building your house of love.

Love Makes a Choice

These words were uttered in the movie, ‘On a Clear Day You Can See Forever’ (1970) from the hypnotist ‘Dr. Marc Chabot’ - which differs somewhat from Scott Pecks’ – “Love Is a Choice”.

Love is a verb – it is an action – it is an emotion, a feeling and not an intellectual thought, however it is subject to rewrite by our expanding on our own understanding and growing knowledge of Love, yet Love still remains an emotion. Love is an existence of a profound deep core, emergent upon sometimes illusive factors that don’t always add up to some formula by analysis alone – Love just IS.

Spiritual evolution gives us a greater understanding of the expansion of Love and it’s need for compassion to then encompass Love’s capability to move towards choosing Love over negative behaviors and thoughts that lead us away from Love’s origin. We are by our very nature LOVE, all the rest is subject to interpretation by the mind by thinking ourselves separate or autonomous. We are not. We are inter-dependent upon certain things, factors which create our lives, have it be a more livable existence.

We are an intrinsic part of the whole, where we part of the wheel and at the core the ‘hub’. When we remember that we are all interconnected, that we are not as separate at the core, then we can let go of the negative. We do not have to feel that we are not getting our needs met of comfort, solace, caring, nurturing, as a truth, as we do have the function and ability to have some of these needs met without placing some of that expectation on another. We can learn to grow and become finding some of these needs in nature, renewing and reviving, and then out of that is born the ability to make room for the other persons existence as we continue to learn and grow while making room for our ‘mistakes’ and that of the other, which leads to compassionate understanding – a component of love, but is not the whole of love itself. Love is much bigger and expands upon itself, and evolves as we learn to evolve as spiritual beings as we become more globally aware towards a humanitarian movement.

That is not to say that we do not have a basic need for connection; by either listening or spending time with someone, or a simple gesture as to touch an arm or shoulder or {{hug}} these are still some or part of what our basic needs are.

The next step in growing in love and becoming conscious and aware of our existence is the freedom to express ourselves. We have a responsibility to what the content of our communication is. If it is meant or intended to harm, then where resides our love? At this level you do not allow certain toxic behavioral imbalance within someone’s psyche to be dumped on you or any other person. While some of this is subject to interpretation – what is the harm in words, words we choose DO have an impact and an effect (cause and effect=karma) There must be an acknowledgement of these actions in order to identify the thinking process to set it back on the path of harmony and balance, thereby, realigning one’s self with the love that resides within.

Love at that level is the place where our innate nature of Love MAKES a choice, and we can thereby express ourselves more effectively with clarity of purpose, identifying that which we are upset about rather than dump our feelings onto someone else, causing injury in the psyche and within the emotional aspect of our body – to unload it onto anyone to carry, is not healthy.

On the Road to Forgiveness

When we hold onto resentments, past hurts, old grudges who are we punishing? We run the scene over and over in our mind running the ‘tape’ and churn over the wrong that was done. How do we learn to ‘let it go’?

We think we are punishing the other person by thinking just how awful they were/are and our stomach reacts, maybe you get a headache. Who’s harmed more? Are we really punishing the person or ourselves; who’s really hurt?We affect our health far more than actually harming the other person.

Love is they key to unlock past hurts, resentments and give us the strength to forgive. When we forgive that which was once a hardened barrier, the effects begin to soften our heart and starts to release it’s hold on us, allowing us move forward towards newness, no longer carrying those misplaced heavy burdens which affects our physical, mental, emotional health & wellbeing. When we forgive & release we are then free to reclaim our true essence once again.

Forgiveness is a process of realization – an awakening to our own imperfections - a looking back at the growth from our own past mistakes and the grace from others who found the ability to search within their own hearts to forgive us. In so doing, that kindness of forgiveness, that moment, creates a shift within our body, our mental landscape changes and our emotions soften where there is relaxation - a release of stress & tension that we didn’t realize we were holding onto through the whole of the process until that moment of Forgiveness; we’ve learned how to be free.

Whether it was a breaking of trust, or slight, thoughtless actions, or hurtful words, can you find it within yourself to heal that riff?? Can you then look upon the ‘other’ person who transgressed and give them the same grace and room to grow up, mature into their best possible self as a wiser human being??

I have heard it said that we have evolved past the need to forgive - beyond anything to be forgiven. This thinking has us believing that ‘we can do no wrong’ at any time as we go through life, because we are ‘innocent’. It’s true that we are innocent and is so up until the point comes when we become aware of affecting someone positively or negatively by our lack of consciousness to what we are doing.


I believe that is where we are heading in this new way where we are going to become conscious & responsible beings to our own existence and how that impacts the people, places and the world around us – we can no longer hide in ignorance or claim innocence, we must instead reclaim our limitless intelligence and heart-centered wisdom, so that we no longer do or say that which ‘harms’. When that day comes there will be nothing left to Forgive and this world will be a place to live, based on the consciousness of LOVE.

Having Closure at the End of a Relationship

You and I have gone through it, whether we ended the relationship or our partner ended it – either way it was difficult – with things left unsaid


Maybe you were afraid to express your feelings, or perhaps you had apprehension over revealing something to that person which had you hold back from sharing your deeper thoughts, feelings and emotions. Fear of a reaction, rejection can shut a part of you down which effects your accessibility where you become unavailable to the relationship. This is in no way blame, instead creating awareness.

The hardest part of the letting go process is that we had hopes and dreams that were part of that relationship, and when someone ends the relationship, it leaves us with whatever was unresolved that hangs in the air like a San Francisco foggy day.

We walk into it and it’s still there just hanging around. How then do we give it voice – to begin to release the hold that the unspoken words and emotions that are left behind?? I learned a method that has helped me over the years and still works to this day.

First you will need to find some time to devote to the process, more than 5 minutes where you will be undisturbed. Second, set the scene. You’ll need two chairs for this! Third, set one chair opposite the other. Fourth, sit in one chair and visualize your partner sitting in the other.

Fifth, now, say all the things you wanted to say to him or her, you might want to start out with something small and then allow whatever comes up to come out and if you find yourself shouting, sobbing or stomping your feet, that’s okay – just let the emotions come to the surface for release.

You may find that you will have to do this more than once and possibly over a period of time before you notice a change.

As you begin to speak the hold that was over you will start to begin to feel lighter and the fog will begin to lift.

This process can be used for any situation that you have difficulty with – saying what needs to be said to a friend, family, co-worker or stranger. Speak your truth and eventually you’ll have enough practice and experience to take it to the next level, face to face.

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